Tuesday, February 10, 2009

good grief

i am kind of in a funk right now with regards to blogging.
i feel like i am at a stand-still.
like i don't know where i want this to go or if i even want it to keep going.
i know the blog world will continue to run its' course without me.

i think the rain makes me feel this way.

cold, distant, thoughtful.

and then i read such encouraging, hopeful things and i am reminded that the internet is a tool, just like any other tool and as long as it is used wisely, there shouldn't be a problem.

i mean, i wouldn't sit in front of the bread maker or my alarm clock and stare at it all day, mindlessly clicking the hours away while the laundry piles up and the kids forage thru the fridge for their own food, now would i?

i guess the hardest thing is delegation of time.

there is always so much to be done.

things like making monkey bread and reading story after story.

but then again i need to write, it is so healing for me.

it is natural, kind of like breathing.

i know i am not a very good writer, by writing standards, i am much better at breathing.

but then again writing is only one of the many hats i wear,

i am not being paid to write and luckily i have a day job.

i don't want this to be a whiny post, wherein i complain about all of the injustices in my small life, because when i sit here and think about what is right, there is so, so much that is right.

however, there are things i want to say.

even if just to get them off my chest,

sending them into cyber space so that they'll bother me no more.

the sadness of this recent tragedy, is probably what really got me thinking again.

you know how those serious thoughts come and go, the ones about life and death.

and i realize that these are the things that have been weighing me down and making me blue.
so if you don't mind crawling inside my head, here i go again:
"stay awake and be ready! for you do not know on what day your Lord will come.
alleluia, alleluia.
in all truth I tell you whoever keeps my word will never see death."
"our lot in this life is to live always in fear. perfect assurance is possible to no one.
God wishes us to glorify Him by a self-abandonment full of faith and love. it is the tribute of which HE is most jealous."

i found these things in one of my journals, i am not sure how old they are.

they are probably from about 3 years or so ago.

they are not my words, of course, but they went along with what i was

feeling at the time and so i wrote them down.

i guess loss has a way of coloring our worldview many different colors.

sometimes grey and even black.

and sometimes it even manifests itself in things like me screaming, "the kids can't eat red dye #4o because don't you know that it causes cancer in laboratory rats?" and then suddenly i am the bad one. the mom who won't let them eat poisonous popsicles from the ice cream man or hot cheetos. the mom who tries to convince them that Joe's O's taste the same as cheerios and that's that! the mom who is no fun because danger lurks around every corner and in every box......it lurks in your sleep, when you cross the street, in gum and microwaves.......

but i wonder if they will ever understand me.

because my reasons behind my method of thought are painful ones.

and if we are caring people, which most of us are, we cannot help being affected by the pain and sadness of others.
and i am such a person.
and perhaps i feel it even more as i contemplate my own litany of lost lives.
the ones that have made my life a lot emptier than it could have been.
the ones who are missing from thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.
the ones whose absences seem to taint the very food we eat as a cloud of sadness settles over the room, making everything so sorrowful and tragic.
and i, perhaps selfishly, ponder "what could've been.........."
the first time i tried to write this post, i went through each name.
i listed them and the things i remembered most about each one.
but the list was so long that i thought it might not even seem believable
that there are so many.
and then i realized it was too personal and names wouldn't matter to you,
the reader, because you did not know them.
but here i am again.
trying to do this again because they mattered to me and if you'll just bear with me because i am sure that your own life is filled with some, if not many who do matter to you.
however, since i don't want to tell anyone what to do,
instead i will kindly suggest that you try your hardest not to take the ones you love for granted because none of us know when it is time.
and by this, i mean time to go.
the timing wherein we each come and go into and out of this world is shrouded in mystery,
much like the God who decides our plight.
and i can honestly say that it doesn't matter whether death is sudden and unprovided or a slow and prolonged process.
it is never easy to say good-bye.
how can we ever be ready to say good-bye to someone we have loved.
someone who had laughing eyes and a dancing smile.
to someone who had the softest shoulder to lay your head on
or wrote you the sweetest, encouraging letters.
or worse yet, someone tiny and helpless --someone-- who never even had a chance at life.
no, saying good-bye is never easy.
but i must say that the only thing that even slightly eases the pain of losing a loved one is knowing that they were living a life pleasing to God.
because whether or not we believe,
"no man can cheat death",
and one day, each of us will stand before Him
and render an account of our lives, the lives we were given.
and there is NOTHING worse,
than to hear the words, "go away from Me, I never knew you........."
just imagining that those are the words that will echo in your ears for all of eternity
sends chills down my spine.
so while grief can be good, it is not healthy to dwell on these things for too long.
i firmly believe darkness is a tool that helps us to see the LIGHT when we might otherwise not notice.
kind of like the way that one who has always grown a garden might not check EVERY SINGLE DAY to see if seedling have sprouted.
sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see.
but it is so lovely to see THE LIGHT shining on a dark faith,
in a dark world.
illuminating the truth and making what was hidden, seen.
so pray always.
pray to God, His Son, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.
enlist the help of the Blessed Mother, your angel guardian and all the saints.
"But because many make it more their study to know than to live well, therefore are they often deceived, and bring forth none, or very little fruit....Verily, when the day of judgement comes, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done; nor how learnedly we have spoken, but how religiously we have lived." ~thomas a kempis, my imitation of CHRIST
ps. i actually have some really cheerful things to share if i can get around to posting them and please forgive the quirky format of these posts lately. blogger seems to do whatever it wants, regardless of what i want and so i am contemplating moving to wordpress or typepad.
i mean it.