i think the rain makes me feel this way.
cold, distant, thoughtful.
and then i read such encouraging, hopeful things and i am reminded that the internet is a tool, just like any other tool and as long as it is used wisely, there shouldn't be a problem.
i mean, i wouldn't sit in front of the bread maker or my alarm clock and stare at it all day, mindlessly clicking the hours away while the laundry piles up and the kids forage thru the fridge for their own food, now would i?
i guess the hardest thing is delegation of time.
there is always so much to be done.
things like making monkey bread and reading story after story.
but then again i need to write, it is so healing for me.
it is natural, kind of like breathing.
i know i am not a very good writer, by writing standards, i am much better at breathing.
but then again writing is only one of the many hats i wear,
i am not being paid to write and luckily i have a day job.
i don't want this to be a whiny post, wherein i complain about all of the injustices in my small life, because when i sit here and think about what is right, there is so, so much that is right.
however, there are things i want to say.
even if just to get them off my chest,
sending them into cyber space so that they'll bother me no more.
the sadness of this recent tragedy, is probably what really got me thinking again.
you know how those serious thoughts come and go, the ones about life and death.
i found these things in one of my journals, i am not sure how old they are.
they are probably from about 3 years or so ago.
they are not my words, of course, but they went along with what i was
feeling at the time and so i wrote them down.
i guess loss has a way of coloring our worldview many different colors.
sometimes grey and even black.
and sometimes it even manifests itself in things like me screaming, "the kids can't eat red dye #4o because don't you know that it causes cancer in laboratory rats?" and then suddenly i am the bad one. the mom who won't let them eat poisonous popsicles from the ice cream man or hot cheetos. the mom who tries to convince them that Joe's O's taste the same as cheerios and that's that! the mom who is no fun because danger lurks around every corner and in every box......it lurks in your sleep, when you cross the street, in gum and microwaves.......
but i wonder if they will ever understand me.
because my reasons behind my method of thought are painful ones.