Wednesday, April 1, 2009

a real mother

she turned seven last saturday. two years ago, her fifth birthday, was the last time i saw her mother. it was not pleasant as we had some words. i don't really regret what i said because when i look at the frilly, pink lovliness of this little girl, i only had her best interest at heart.

"set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." -ps. 141:3

i said it because i knew to what dangerous places her addiction was taking her and that there was the possibility that things could end this way.

an exercise for school the other day asked that the kids consider how they got their names and because my aunt was not really sure, she didn't know what to tell her to write. then with an exasperated air, e told her that it didn't matter because she doesn't have a real mother. i know how this must've hurt because my aunt is trying to fill an un-fillable void. the void that the real mother leaves when she is gone.

i only know what i know about this bond because my own mother and i are still so connected that my father jokes that they never cut the umbilical cord completely when i was born and with my daughter it is the same. of course we have to stick together in this testosterhome. but today my thoughts were that in this situation someone has taken the place of the real mother. not because she wanted to, for in this mess she lost a daughter. but she had to. and i think this generation will be seeing more and more grandparents raising their grandchildren. so my prayer today is for all mothers. real and otherwise. because we all know that what makes a mother real in the lives of her children is not always for us to tell, but perhaps in a few years time, at least in this case, time will tell who the real mother is.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

bigger. better. new. improved.

that was what i was hoping for anyway. but not yet. He is not done with me yet and while some things have gone very well for me this lent, i feel like it has gone by so fast. there has been a lot of praying and works, but not enough contemplation. some of it is my fault, other things are just inevitable, but i am going to keep trying. hopefully seeing everything shrouded in purple this week will remind me to pause and reflect, as often as i can, on the great, great suffering which was the price of my redemption. and with that, maybe i can get the last one down by Good Friday-improved. yes, i'd like to see that written next to my name. or at least improving.....