important and beautiful lives

i want to remember these words every day of my life..............

"Day by day I must learn to abandon myself; to keep myself available for whatever He, the Lord needs of me at a given moment, even if other things seem more appealing and more important to me: it means giving life, not taking it. It is in this very way that we experience freedom: freedom from ourselves, the vastness of being. In this very way, by being useful, in being a person whom the world needs, our live becomes important and beautiful. Only those who give up their own life find it. Let us entrust ourselves to Jesus, the True Shepherd."
~Pope Benedict XVI, Sunday, May 3, 2009 magnificat

baby red

"i want you to call me baby red", he tells me while we are reading a story about animal babies, snuggled on the couch, sharing quesadillas. "you could say baby blue, baby orange or lots of things, but i like baby red or max." ok. baby red it shall be. gosh, i love. this. kid.

a real mother

she turned seven last saturday. two years ago, her fifth birthday, was the last time i saw her mother. it was not pleasant as we had some words. i don't really regret what i said because when i look at the frilly, pink lovliness of this little girl, i only had her best interest at heart.

"set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." -ps. 141:3

i said it because i knew to what dangerous places her addiction was taking her and that there was the possibility that things could end this way.

an exercise for school the other day asked that the kids consider how they got their names and because my aunt was not really sure, she didn't know what to tell her to write. then with an exasperated air, e told her that it didn't matter because she doesn't have a real mother. i know how this must've hurt because my aunt is trying to fill an un-fillable void. the void that the real mother leaves when she is gone.

i only know what i know about this bond because my own mother and i are still so connected that my father jokes that they never cut the umbilical cord completely when i was born and with my daughter it is the same. of course we have to stick together in this testosterhome. but today my thoughts were that in this situation someone has taken the place of the real mother. not because she wanted to, for in this mess she lost a daughter. but she had to. and i think this generation will be seeing more and more grandparents raising their grandchildren. so my prayer today is for all mothers. real and otherwise. because we all know that what makes a mother real in the lives of her children is not always for us to tell, but perhaps in a few years time, at least in this case, time will tell who the real mother is.

bigger. better. new. improved.

that was what i was hoping for anyway. but not yet. He is not done with me yet and while some things have gone very well for me this lent, i feel like it has gone by so fast. there has been a lot of praying and works, but not enough contemplation. some of it is my fault, other things are just inevitable, but i am going to keep trying. hopefully seeing everything shrouded in purple this week will remind me to pause and reflect, as often as i can, on the great, great suffering which was the price of my redemption. and with that, maybe i can get the last one down by Good Friday-improved. yes, i'd like to see that written next to my name. or at least improving.....

little white lies

i hate doing it. my conscience is nagging at me, but i didn't know what else to do. the new little puppy darted out into the road, she was following the big boys to the place where they "jump" their bikes and it happened-she was hit by a car. i just wanted to shield the two little ones from the pain of losing another animal. it seems we have terrible luck with pets. and i gulp each time i perpetuate this little white lie. wait till monday. let's see what the vet says. i am not sure they put her to sleep. it's not a good idea, i know, but we all do it, don't we? i like to tell myself that somehow it will make them feel better while i alone bear the brunt of knowing that she is gone and it won't be better on monday. i am going to have to come clean at some point. heaven help me when i do. for there really is no escaping from those nasty little white lies.

fickle

feeling like such a fickle blogger and person i am trying to decide whether i should still use this space or not. i really enjoy blogs that "go deeper", but i also like the really light-hearted ones about sewing, photography, cooking and homeschooling and thoughts and feelings, places where the faith is contemplated and discussed......so the question is, how does one find the balance? is it silly to have more than one blog? how do you squeeze a whole person, much less a whole family into one blog. thoughts? suggestions?

never before seen "footage" of a rare species

these jammies were from last winter and they became a favorite.

he pretends that he is a rare green-striped tiger when he wears them.

i have tried to retire them, but they seem to get "discovered" every time.

don't think that i haven't fixed those holes,

but this tigers' toes are too long and the stitches just won't hold.

besides, have you ever seen the things that rare green-striped tigers do?

they hunt, run and jump in the most ferocious and extreme ways.

i guess for now i'll just enjoy this rare species until it becomes extinct.