when something terrible happens

sorry i've been such a wet blanket these past few days.
i read that
"February arrives cold, wet and gray, her gifts disguised
for only the most discerning spirits to see..."
so i guess that means i have not been "discerning" enough
to find her gifts.
but i thank God for the gift of HIS grace
and for the gift of children.
LITERALLY.
because i cannot imagine my life without either of them.
and without their help, one might never find
the gifts which are in every day!
yesterday as i was mulling over all the things i had written,
wishing perhaps i hadn't said so much, but i felt so
grateful for all of the generous hearts who took the time
out of their busy days to respond.
and though i didn't answer any of the comments
i went over each one carefully and i came to the conclusion
that you are all so great!!

death is such a hard thing to talk about for adults, but especially with children.
when my two cousins were murdered, it was not at all like dealing with natural death.
it was so hard to even find the right words to tell them what had happened, much
less talk about it in the days, weeks and months that followed.
murder has a way of striking fear into the hearts of even the most trusting and faithful person.
probably one of the most difficult things, aside from losing people that we dearly loved,
was that the girls were killed 7 months apart and so there was still such an open,
gaping wound in our hearts, which for me, as an adult to try and comprehend was difficult enough.
but the children, had been so sheltered.
i had kept them away from the world all these years yet there it was right on my doorstep, demanding to be let in, bringing all its' ugliness with it.
i know not everything in the world is bad, but tragedy has a way of making it seem so.
tragedy tries to steal from us that sweet, gentle peace, which, as Christians, should always be present in our lives, no matter what.
at times, wallowing in my own grief, i was blinded to my childrens' needs and the day it hit me the hardest was while unpacking my daughters' things to put in her new room-we moved here over the summer of '08-when i came across a small hello kitty notepad.
and knowing that she uses these for her diary-being only 9 she has not yet discovered how to "lock" away her deepest, darkest thoughts as girls so often do-i opened it.
and as i flipped through the notepad much to my surprise she had pages upon pages of names of all the people in our family who had died and little drawings surrounding each name representing things she knew from me which each person liked to do or memories she had shared with them at a particular time during their earthly life. this little girl had already seen so much death in her short life and i didn't even realize how it was affecting her.
i am her mother, her teacher, yet i had missed all this?
how could i have been so neglectful.
it seemed so easy to shush her all those times she cried and force her along the path to healing.
when i wasn't even healed.
tears don't come easy for me, so why should they for her either.
how wrong i was.
in retrospect i realize how vital it is for children to realize that those whom we have loved and lost in this life have not been annihilated.
they still live on in eternity and they need our prayers and sacrifices,
for their purification and sometimes even ours.
this is not a professional opinion by any means.
these are just the thoughts of a mother who has hurt and who has seen her children and her family hurting.
my heart will always ache for my aunt, especially, who lost all 3 of her children.
all of them tragically taken from her.
her mother's heart forever broken as she struggles to sift through those broken pieces, to lift herself up out of the wreckage of her life and raise her two grandchildren.
how could anyone ever comprehend that?
i certainly don't have all of the answers.
yet the question remains, how do we, as loving parents, teach not only ourselves, but our children to cope with death?
it is simple: we don't.
Mother Angelica writes:" We don't have the power over life and death, but we do have the power to choose good instead of evil and to do the will of God."
the Holy Scriptures remind us that "it is a good and holy thing to pray for the dead" so that they may be loosed from their sins.
and so what have i learned from all of this?
well, i am more careful now.
i don't just shush the tears away.
i am careful to watch, not only for more notes, but for signs that something is wrong.
but most importantly i will try my hardest to teach her and the boys that there is power in our suffering here on this earth.
power made perfect in the sufferings of Jesus Christ.
and that we are made strong in HIM.
and that our life goal is to find HIS will in all things.
and together we can send fear on his way
even when something terrible happens......................

good grief

i am kind of in a funk right now with regards to blogging.

i feel like i am at a stand-still.

like i don't know where i want this to go or if i even want it to keep going.

i know the blog world will continue to run its' course without me.

i think the rain makes me feel this way.

cold, distant, thoughtful.

and then i read such encouraging, hopeful things and i am reminded that the internet is a tool, just like any other tool and as long as it is used wisely, there shouldn't be a problem.

i mean, i wouldn't sit in front of the bread maker or my alarm clock and stare at it all day, mindlessly clicking the hours away while the laundry piles up and the kids forage thru the fridge for their own food, now would i?

i guess the hardest thing is delegation of time.

there is always so much to be done.

things like making monkey bread and reading story after story.

but then again i need to write, it is so healing for me.

it is natural, kind of like breathing.

i know i am not a very good writer, by writing standards, i am much better at breathing.

but then again writing is only one of the many hats i wear,

i am not being paid to write and luckily i have a day job.

i don't want this to be a whiny post, wherein i complain about all of the injustices in my small life, because when i sit here and think about what is right, there is so, so much that is right.

however, there are things i want to say.

even if just to get them off my chest,

sending them into cyber space so that they'll bother me no more.

the sadness of this recent tragedy, is probably what really got me thinking again.

you know how those serious thoughts come and go, the ones about life and death.

and i realize that these are the things that have been weighing me down and making me blue.

so if you don't mind crawling inside my head, here i go again:

"stay awake and be ready! for you do not know on what day your Lord will come.

alleluia, alleluia.

in all truth I tell you whoever keeps my word will never see death."

-----------

FEAR

-----------

"our lot in this life is to live always in fear. perfect assurance is possible to no one.

God wishes us to glorify Him by a self-abandonment full of faith and love. it is the tribute of which HE is most jealous."

--------------------------

i found these things in one of my journals, i am not sure how old they are.

they are probably from about 3 years or so ago.

they are not my words, of course, but they went along with what i was

feeling at the time and so i wrote them down.

i guess loss has a way of coloring our worldview many different colors.

sometimes grey and even black.

and sometimes it even manifests itself in things like me screaming, "the kids can't eat red dye #4o because don't you know that it causes cancer in laboratory rats?" and then suddenly i am the bad one. the mom who won't let them eat poisonous popsicles from the ice cream man or hot cheetos. the mom who tries to convince them that Joe's O's taste the same as cheerios and that's that! the mom who is no fun because danger lurks around every corner and in every box......it lurks in your sleep, when you cross the street, in gum and microwaves.......

but i wonder if they will ever understand me.

because my reasons behind my method of thought are painful ones.

and if we are caring people, which most of us are, we cannot help being affected by the pain and sadness of others.

and i am such a person.

and perhaps i feel it even more as i contemplate my own litany of lost lives.

the ones that have made my life a lot emptier than it could have been.

the ones who are missing from thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.

the ones whose absences seem to taint the very food we eat as a cloud of sadness settles over the room, making everything so sorrowful and tragic.

and i, perhaps selfishly, ponder "what could've been.........."

the first time i tried to write this post, i went through each name.

i listed them and the things i remembered most about each one.

but the list was so long that i thought it might not even seem believable

that there are so many.

and then i realized it was too personal and names wouldn't matter to you,

the reader, because you did not know them.

but here i am again.

trying to do this again because they mattered to me and if you'll just bear with me because i am sure that your own life is filled with some, if not many who do matter to you.

however, since i don't want to tell anyone what to do,

instead i will kindly suggest that you try your hardest not to take the ones you love for granted because none of us know when it is time.

and by this, i mean time to go.

the timing wherein we each come and go into and out of this world is shrouded in mystery,

much like the God who decides our plight.

and i can honestly say that it doesn't matter whether death is sudden and unprovided or a slow and prolonged process.

it is never easy to say good-bye.

how can we ever be ready to say good-bye to someone we have loved.

someone who had laughing eyes and a dancing smile.

to someone who had the softest shoulder to lay your head on

or wrote you the sweetest, encouraging letters.

or worse yet, someone tiny and helpless --someone-- who never even had a chance at life.

no, saying good-bye is never easy.

but i must say that the only thing that even slightly eases the pain of losing a loved one is knowing that they were living a life pleasing to God.

because whether or not we believe,

"no man can cheat death",

and one day, each of us will stand before Him

and render an account of our lives, the lives we were given.

and there is NOTHING worse,

than to hear the words, "go away from Me, I never knew you........."

just imagining that those are the words that will echo in your ears for all of eternity

sends chills down my spine.

so while grief can be good, it is not healthy to dwell on these things for too long.

i firmly believe darkness is a tool that helps us to see the LIGHT when we might otherwise not notice.

kind of like the way that one who has always grown a garden might not check EVERY SINGLE DAY to see if seedling have sprouted.

sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see.

but it is so lovely to see THE LIGHT shining on a dark faith,

in a dark world.

illuminating the truth and making what was hidden, seen.

so pray always.

pray to God, His Son, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

enlist the help of the Blessed Mother, your angel guardian and all the saints.

"But because many make it more their study to know than to live well, therefore are they often deceived, and bring forth none, or very little fruit....Verily, when the day of judgement comes, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done; nor how learnedly we have spoken, but how religiously we have lived." ~thomas a kempis, my imitation of CHRIST

ps. i actually have some really cheerful things to share if i can get around to posting them and please forgive the quirky format of these posts lately. blogger seems to do whatever it wants, regardless of what i want and so i am contemplating moving to wordpress or typepad.

i mean it.

first born

two friends have tagged me for this on facebook.

and since today is his day anyway, i thought i'd go ahead and do it.

hard to believe 15 years ago , on a rainy monday,

that my first born came into this world at 10:14 am.

i can still recall it as if it were yesterday..........

Was your first pregnancy planned? NO.

Were you married at the time? no.

What was your reaction? scared, but in awe.

Was abortion an option for you? NEVER.

How old were you? 17.

How did you find out you were pregnant? missed period(s).

Who did you tell first? friends, boyfriend-who is now my husband.

Did you want to find out the sex? YES.

When was your due date? January 31, 1994.

Did you have morning sickness? a little bit.

What did you crave? salsa, mashed potatoes with cranberry sauce

and marie calenders pie (cherry) with vanilla icecream.

Who/What irritated you the most? hardly anything because i slept all the time, but the sound of chewing really got to me.

What was your first child's sex? male.

Did you wish you had the opposite sex of what you were getting? no. i wanted a big brother to lead the tribe of children i'd have.

How many pounds did you gain during the pregnancy? way TOO many, didn't you see my list of cravings??

Did you have a baby shower? yes, three.

Was it a surprise or did you know? i knew.

Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? no.

Where did you give birth? sharp murrieta.

How many hours were you in labor? 5.

Who drove you to the hospital? my mama.

Who watched you give birth? both of my parents, he was "our" baby, as i was still their baby.

Was it natural or c-section? i have had all of my kids natural. no c-sections or episiotomies.

Did you take medicine to ease the pain? no. i have never used medication during birth,

it would be distracting to me.

How much did your child weigh? 7lbs. 8 oz.

When was your child actually born? February 7, 1994.

What did you name him/her? i named him Christian.

How old is your first born today? today he turns 15.

happy birthday, son.

so off i go to make him a white-texas sheet cake-

it is his FAVORITE cake in the whole wide world.

it probably has more calories than all the cakes in the whole wide world too.

i chose this LIFE............

and i don't ever want to imagine what kind of life i would've had without him.

sprouting wings

today was monumental for me as a homeschooling mother.
one of my students sprouted his wings as a writer.
you may have a student like this, he is the reluctant one,
the one who reads later than the rest.
he takes longer to learn
his multiplication tables and he pretty much despises any
kind of structured learning.
he is the middle child.
not the oldest, not the baby and not the only girl.
it has always been hard for him to find his place.
not just with regards to school, but in life.
he is the stubborn one.
the one who makes my blood pressure
rise every time we have some sort of confrontation about
not putting forth his best effort or paying attention.
he is the one that made me doubt whether or not i should
even be homeschooling at all.
he is the reason i searched feverishly for different ideas about teaching.
it is because of him that i found out that not all children are auditory learners,
which you'd think i'd know, because i am not one either.
yet he is the one with the neatest handwriting.
he is the first one to put his boots on and lead me outdoors.
he is the one with an artistic eye and a gentle heart,
he can quite often be seen following the shadow of another
small boy, his little brother.
he has his ears tuned to the birds that frequent our yard
and constantly comes inside with descriptive narratives
of things he has seen as he peruses the property,
pellet gun in hand and camera in his pocket.
the assignment was simple enough:
write me a paragraph about our day at nannie and papa's yesterday.
make it in chronological order, starting with breakfast,
which were yummy "mamacakes".
pay attention to punctuation and spelling and i will help you
with paragraph structure later.
he is in the sixth grade, this should be no problem you say.
well, not for my boy.
this is usually a most painful process,
ending with discouragement on his end
and disappointment on mine.
disappointment in myself because maybe i have
not been the best teacher.
maybe he needed special ed.
maybe i wasn't patient enough.
but in the end it was because
he just wasn't ready,
he hadn't sprouted those wings.
but today he did
and it happened so much like all of the rest of his
"learning", very out of the blue, quite naturally
almost as if he'd always written this way.
beautifully constructed sentences, colorful adjectives,
very well written feelings and emotions about what
he did, what he saw, tasted, touched and felt.
and all i can say is
i am one PROUD mama bird!

simple abundance

i am loving my new book-which i got the other day at a thrift store for $1.00.
the back cover reads:
"in the past a woman's spirituality has been separated from her lifestyle.
SIMPLE ABUNDANCE shows you how your daily life
can be an expression of your authentic self...
as you choose the tastiest vegetables from your garden,
search for treasures at flea markets,
establish sacred space in your home for meditation,
and follow the rhythm of the seasons of the year."
does this sound like a good read or what?
well, we are off to the mountains to do some school.
hoping to enjoy some simple abundance.
a visit to nannie and papa's mountain home
always does each of us some good.
the little ones will be bird watching and doing watercolors,
me~i want to finish my
sunflower handwarmers
and my husband is taking the big boys on a hike.
they found a bedding area of a
deer family on their last hike.
they saw a mama, her baby doe
and a buck, all tucked in for the night
imagine that!
my prayer for you today is
that you'll find some simple abundance
in your little corner of the world too.
'bye.

and mondays

i didn't want to write out the rainy days part because i am sure
you all know that song from the carpenters'.
rainy days and mondays.
and yes, they both tend to get me down.
especially if either falls on a day when the house is a wreck.
i don't know why, but when the house is a wreck i am a wreck.
even though my sinful nature fights against forcing myself to clean,
i am SO much happier when everything is well-ordered.
which is probably why i was so unhappy this cheerful, bright and sunny day.
i did actually do a lot on saturday but practically nothing yesterday.
so how could a woman, who woke up and spent some quiet time with her Lord,
her husband home from work today, all her children safe,
healthy and snug in their beds, be so grumpy and ungrateful, you say.
well, i guess that's just life sometimes.
so after feeling sorry for myself i got up from where i was sitting,
made breakfast, fixed my hair, dressed and left to my two favorite thrift stores.
i know you all probably went to mass.
i couldn't because my kids are still fighting colds and mass is over an hour-one way- away.
and so we will have to settle for a small candlelit celebration in our little domestic church.
i am particularly feeling drawn to the feast today because as you all know i have chosen the sorrowful mother as my patron saint this year and simeon's words are resonating in my ears...
"and a sword shall pierce your heart.........."
my mind keeps going back to yesterday and how i eyed an almost 15 year old boy, my boy, attempt to drink alcohol at the super-bowl party we attended.
i am trying to understand why he did it when he knew i was watching him.
what was he trying to tell me? help me.....stop me......set some boundaries for me.
he wasn't really being sneaky, yet he was.
and so i stopped him. i gladly set the boundaries.
but needless to say, a sword pierced my heart.
i know that it is not the same sword that pierced our Blessed Mother's heart by any means.
and unlike the mother of james and john
i am not even asking our Lord that my son sit at His right or left in the kingdom of heaven.
i am simply just wondering how i am going to manage to help my children get to heaven in a world gone wrong.
a world filled with temptations and lies calling out from every which way, attempting to lead these souls, whom I have been entrusted with, to an eternity where they might possibly be separated from God.
a phone call to one of my dearest friends, who also has a teenager, quickly made me feel better.
these are good kids, her daughter and my son.
we have raised them well.
i thought i did all the right things.
natural birth, breastfeeding, bed sharing, tons of stories,
laughing, loving, cuddling, nurturing.
he has been taught the faith, received the sacraments.
she wonders if it is because they have money and maybe the world is starting to creep in.
her husband is a faithful catholic doctor, he catechizes the children on a regular basis.
i wonder if it is because we haven't always had a lot of money and maybe staying with my
fun-loving-functioning-yet still-alcoholic husband has been a bad influence.
i have always been faithful, but maybe i haven't done enough........
i could go on and on, but i won't because the what ifs are endless.
my life, just as yours, is what it is.
if it were a recipe, it might read like this:
one ton of undeserved-pre-packaged blessings.
3/4 cups remnants of past mistakes
1/2 of which turned out for the better because there is a God and He loves me
1/4 part slivers from the Cross
(some of which seem so unfair and heavy at times)
1/4 temptations, emotions and struggles
(all sent to me from Him)
because He knows that if i continue to trust in HIM,
hands folded in prayer, heart pierced with a sword,
i just might make it to the "well done" part.
you know, the one where HE tells me well done good and faithful servant
and these mondays will go with me into eternity.
after a little time in the fires of purgatory of course.
i'll wear them as my badge.
and by now......
there is a checker tournament going on under the peppertree,
a wooden box that needs to be built for the pansies,
strawberries dying to get into the ground, if you know what i mean.
and i am just glad that it's not a rainy day!

p.s. i hope you find happiness
and peace wherever you are.

a long, yet quick note

sorry the last two posts were sort of thoughtless auto posts. i don't know why i do that. i guess i set it up that way in case i neglect this space for too long. i don't know why it matters so much, it is not like the world will stop if i don't write something.
well, in order to keep myself from rambling, here goes:
1. sorry i haven't completed the tote meme, but i went to that retreat monday and tuesday night, then yesterday morning i went to mass and was blessed to receive the apostolic blessing, which felt exhilarating.
2. i have 4 sick kids. nothing too serious, but 4 runny noses and 4 different coughs equal lots of vicks, tissues, stories, chicken soup and well, i am sure you all know.
3. i am still struggling with this pain in my back/neck and i truly feel sorry for people with chronic pain.
4. for christine- i don't capitalize my "i" because this is sort of like my diary. there aren't any grammar rules here. it is funny that you said this because that is the first thing my kids noticed when they saw me writing here and they know what a punctuation psycho i am. i do, however, worry about the Good Lord's name. i don't mind reaching for caps lock for HIS sake.
5. yesterday at Mass i couldn't help but think about the people who don't kneel for the consecration or for Holy Communion. the church i attended for the retreat is a novus ordo church, not a chapel, like i usually go to, but it does have the indult Mass and is very reverent in every way. the communion rail is still in place and most every one kneels for the consecration, however, i am curious about those who don't participate, those who'd rather lean forward in a truly awkward manner, to receive their KING. i don't want to step on toes if you don't do either of these things, but my feeling on this is, it is common courtesy to bow to a king, is it not? then how could we do any less for OUR LORD? is it a matter of preference? something decided by the bishops? or is it something that has to do with the individual? i know that just because the very thought of HIM coming to me brings me to my knees, it might not be that way for everyone. i sort of imagine the magi and how they fell down worshipping the infant in the manger. and if we truly believe that the Host contains the same infant, why don't we ALL do the same thing.
so how is it for you? how do you receive HIM? you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. but i won't judge you, i promise.
6. i am very excited about doing a little planting around here. i've been itching to get my hands dirty. the soil is nice and soft from the rain and i think it is calling to me.
7. i am having trouble ending this unit on birds. there is so much to learn, so many beautiful books and projects, but i do wish we could move on to california, i can't wait to do the missions. not just because of the field trips i want to take, but because this state does have some great history.
8. i am in a cooking rut. i really need to plan some meals and go to the store with a written list. yesterday i felt so lost, wandering around without a plan. as hard as it is to plan all the details of my life, when i don't plan, i always regret it. even if i don't stick to my plans.
9. i have to mail the flowers for the craft swap. i heard yesterday that yoda is on his way. they are finished, but just need to get packaged and sent off.
10. well, i have much to do today, so this is me, signing off, for now anyway.

ps. sarah(JOT) i am not posting the pretzel recipe, but king arthur has the greatest recipes. i love their flour and you can choose from many types of pretzels there. we prefer soft pretzels, but you many not.

the heart rag is coming along very nicely, i decided just to tie the ends together. somehow the huge ball of rag yarn i had isn't going very far and i don't know when i'll have a chance to cut more strips, though.

barb, i'd love to try a basket. i've had a basket or a bowl in my mind for quite some time, just haven't found the right twine i'd like to use, maybe the rag strips would be better-in browns and neutrals...........

jenn, my daughter has a little rag rug for her doll house that my mom made and it is adorable. of course she has everything in a vintage/cottage style. and i forgot to ask you if you've gone to see swan lake yet. i am such a dummy because i told you i'd never seen it and i just remembered yesterday, on my way home from ontario, that i HAVE seen it. i saw it last summer at the redlands bowl, performed by the santa barbara street ballet. i also saw a midsummer nights' dream and madame butterfly as well. all were spectacular productions. i am glad that i was reminded of those memories. sometimes i..........wonder where my brain goes! maybe that's what i'll change my blog title to!! =)

what kind of homeschooler am i? aka a very "word-filled" wednesday post

juli asked me this question the other day and i figured i'd share the answer here, just in case anyone else is wondering what my style is.

well, i am probably not very stylish because first and foremost, the liturgical year is always at the center of our learning. and because we love our faith dearly, so much of what we learn is faith based. therefore, the church year, the saints and even the seasons are taken into consideration whenever i do any planning. and i only plan 1 month at at time.

i guess you could say i am a bit eclectic because i don't use a packaged curriculum or lesson plans. i usually write my own and/or we go wherever the wind takes us.

now this free-spirited attitude does not apply to math or language arts, but only with regards to social studies, history, science and art.

because i NEED some kind of accountability,the older three are and have been enrolled in charter schools for about seven years.
(yes, i know i am accountable to God for what i do, but HE doesn't often show up in an email or at my house saying, "so, what have the kids been learning?")

i realize that charter is not for everyone, but in my case i appreciate the SAT testing, the scoring helps me to make sure we are at least staying on track in the event that any of my kids want to go to college and i also like for someone else to keep attendance.

my kids have always gotten great SAT scores-not in all subjects, except for my oldest, who does quite well in all his subjects, but they are usually phenomenal in language arts and reading. the middle two struggle with their math a little, but are at grade level, so i don't worry too much about it. they learn when they are ready and some things come with maturity.

i only use textbooks for math and right now i am using saxon 4/5 with my daughter and teaching textbooks for middle son, as oldest son is now going to classes 3 days a week and littlest son is 4.

i like both saxon and teaching textbooks because of the teaching CDs, which supplement the curriculum, giving the lecture for the lesson just as they would receive in a classroom setting. this has given me loads more free time to think about other things and i don't take the whole day just to explain math. this became especially invaluable when i had three students doing three different levels of math and a brand new nursing baby.

i started out using lesson plans from our lady of victory when my oldest son was in kindergarten and i have always purchased certain things from them. i love the old-fashioned look to their readers and some of the other books they carry, everything they have is very solidly catholic and is from the 1950's so i don't worry about any "iffy" stuff in their content

unit studies work best for us. i have learned that slow, steady bits of consistent information over a period of a few weeks or even a few days work best. they retain so much more of what they are learning if they are steeped in a subject, doing things that appeal to all of the five senses.

i have and still do purchase curriculum/books from chc, sonlight, beautiful feet, rainbow resource, to name just a few.

i did read the well-trained mind about two years ago and spent a whole summer getting ready to completely follow their method, i bought most, if not all the books listed for each grade and after doing school until 5 or 6 o'clock in the evening most days, because that's how long it took for us to train our minds, i realized that it just wasn't going to work. i don't know what i was doing wrong, but i found it very overwhelming and we were all getting burnt out. now, i don't want to be overly negative about TWTM, because my kids learned ALOT from story of the world when we did units on egypt and rome using said method and i LOVE many of the books recommended in TWTM, but it just wasn't for me. i am not a super-structured person and i can't live that way.

after all, i'd kept my kids out of school just so we could be more flexible and so i took what i could from TWTM and the rest i just had to let go for the sake of my own sanity. that's where the balance comes in.

i don't think we should ever expect to find any method perfect. instead we should just take what we can from a given program or curriculum, sifting through the ideas proposed and then move on, otherwise it is just a big waste of time for you and your children. that is what i always liked about the mother's rule of life written by holly pierlot. she is very specific about encouraging you to find your OWN rule, prayerfully, your own way. not every family situation is the same and we should not expect to fit into another family's mold.

i have been very fortunate to have a best friend, who is my mentor, godmother to my youngest son, who was also a teacher once, degrees and all. and she has always helped steer me towards real learning. i met her my first year of homeschooling and her experience has been like gold to me. but since she is human (and has 6 kids of her own), whenever she goes to far the other way, usually i help bring her back, being her protoge and all. and if i am leaning too far in the wrong direction i know i can call her and have her remind me why it is that we are doing what we are doing, which is EDUCATING FOR ETERNITY (this is chc's slogan, and i love it!) and all the good books and science projects we may or may not experience along the way and the times that our kids really impress someone by how smart and polite they are-are just a few of the little blessings that the Lord gives to us for being fatithful stewards.

so i definitely recommend TONS of real books, encyclopedias (i like kingfisher)and any and all usborne books are great for notebook pages, we do a lot of notebook pages, take trips to the library, outside digging in the dirt/bird watching/sky gazing/rock collecting time, snuggling and reading on the couch, nature journals, art projects, listening to classical music and stories on cd-jim weiss and the classical kids series, feast day and history related cooking.

i recommend and reiterate that CHORES are school. home management, pet care and yardwork does count because these things do help to make decent human beings, so don't ever discount any of those activities.
SORTING SOCKS CORRECTLY IS IMPORTANT!!!

and you know your kids are learning when in their free time they start to ask for johnny cakes for breakfast even when it's not george washington's birthday and while building a log cabin fort they remember snippets from that biography you read on lincoln. they read highlights magazine for fun and build rocket launchers from cardboard boxes and plastic water bottles.
some of our best days were days like this.

if you are reading this s, you'll remember our peach and blue day where i brought the story and the art supplies, we picked peaches from your trees and made peach cobbler, we painted trees and read that great story about friendship.

i have been so blessed with many wonderful women in my life, women who love teaching and learning and i can't stress enough how important it is to cultivate and maintain these relationships even when life gets busy.

unfortunately our homeschool group does a lot of things which requires at least a 45min. drive for me and this can be hard, especially when mass is an hour and 10 minute drive almost every sunday. but luckily i do have a few friends who are local and we do what we can, when we can.

i have recently implemented a no t.v. while there is daylight rule. we don't have actual t.v. service, we haven't for about 4 years now. i know for some of you mamas with multiple little kids that might be impossible, this rule has not always been in place, but i noticed little son was getting a bit addicted to movies, any movie he could watch, sometimes putting them on secretly. and so now, if the sky is not "black-with-stars" he may not ask me to watch anything.
even if the schoolroom is messier, now that he has joined us ALL DAY, it is a sacrifice i am willing to make.

our learning does tend to spread throughout every room in the house, it cannot and should not be confined to "the learning room", but at least we finally have somewhere to put everything!
i homeschooled for years using our kitchen as my schoolroom, so i've been there..........but it is nice to have a place for all the books, papers and projects which pile up quickly when multiplied by 4.

and then of course there is the praying every day. i don't want to make anyone feel bad, because there are certainly times when we don't, but saying the rosary EVERY day is really the ONLY way to get anything accomplished. the blessed mother is so faithful, she will not let you down. her help is vital to being a good homeschooling mama. i know that without her i am a miserable wretch and it is just better for everyone when we pray as we ought. even though with a certain teenager lately, it can be like pulling teeth!

so in conclusion, my kids probably remember the food and books the most. the intimate moments where learning was on the couch or outside. the times when it just so happened that we abandoned whatever book work we were doing because someone heard a hummingbird at the feeder or we went off in the direction of the art of making a good paper airplane because we were learning about birds and flight. sometimes one thing leads to another and we deviate from the "plans" i've made, but many times, the "plans" are just there so that i have an idea in my head about where we are planning to go. it's kind of like our life is a road-trip, we are taking the scenic route and so you never know when we might stop to smell the daisies or take off on some undiscovered path. i know i've said before that we have had a lot of tragedy in our lives thru the years and that has really affected how seriously i take life and homeschooling. i take them very seriously, but just not in the way that you might think.

i know i am kind of rambling, so i'll stop. but i hope this helps if, maybe you're stuck in a rut and you need to be a little more flexible or if you're too flexible and you need some inspiration to make a few plans. but wherever you're at, just know that i've been there. sometimes my homeschooling journey feels more like a roller coaster ride, but as in every other area of my life, God always provides what i need to keep going.

and so that, my friends, in a nutshell is the kind of homeschooler i am!

this and that

well, the house is a mess so there will be no peace on monday. i am always striving for a peaceful monday, but i can't ever seem to achieve it. but it's ok. this weekend was filled with yummy carne asada, fresh salsa and lots of family. the tub got scrubbed, actually the whole bathroom is quite sparkling-yes, we only have one functioning bathroom right now-the other one needs a makeover. and while it is more shabby than chic, the pedestal sink and chrome furnishings add that country farmhouse look which brings me so much joy.

now, i've probably mentioned here and there that i have a problem with structure, routines and such. but there is a small part of me that is fussy about certain things and spontaneity is one of them. i guess it comes from having so many kids to think about, that is hard for me to do something when i haven't had it in my mind for at least a day, mulling over this and that, thinking about what needs to be done to achieve a certain desired affect.

my husband, however, likes to live dangerously. so dangerously that he'll invite 2 of his 4 sisters (+6 kids and two husbands) over right in the middle of my planned house cleaning day, expect me to entertain and have a good time, even though every inch of the floor in the living room is covered in little bits of paper from various projects this week, i can't really vacuum properly because one of the kids stepped on the vacuum and broke the part that does the floor and the kitchen is teeming with post-friday night pizza making dishes.

call me crazy, but when people being to arrive and i am still in my morning workout clothes and no make-up and then the house is, well, i told you about the state of the house, i get a little panicky. i was borderline rude and ready to not be a good hostess, that's how bad it was.

but then my boisterous brother-in-law says, "we're family, who cares what the house looks like..." and he really means it and my sister-in-law starts washing dishes so that i can "go take a shower", i asked God to just help me to let go of all of my preconceived ideas about my day. because these are the times that life just happens.

and then as the evening progresses, the stars come out and the stories begin. there are plenty of stories of how we all "met" and "when we fell in love" and then there are nieces and nephews, here there and everywhere, mingling with my own children. and i start to think again about balance and how with patience and humility i can learn to find happiness in all of the situations that happen right smack in the middle of all of my own plans about how i think my life should be. i am certainly not condoning a disordered life, there has to be order to a certain extent because our God is a God of order. but there are going to be times when a little chaos and those interruptions happen, but with grace and ease we can handle them.

so at the end of the evening, all the adults are gone, two nieces and my little godson spend the night. i am sitting on the couch, sewing, Christmas lights still twinkling, little boys jump back-and-forth from the coffee table to the couch, making my stitches uneven. my husband, who is sleeping, receives a call that a co-worker is dying and he probably won't make it through the night. i take the call, but he gets up after. so we talk about life and death, living and dying. he remembers my grandfather and the last words he said to him. we ponder what it means to die a good death and live a good life. and i am reminded, once again, how precious life is. things are not all bad. the dishes can wait. life can't and often doesn't. and who cares about monday anyway. with it will come a whole new set of problems i am sure. and, hey, at least i got to sit and finish this lovely new apron i've been working on...........modeled by my niece by the way, because her waist is much smaller than mine. so off i go to get ready for sunday evening mass, to look for my Lord. after all He's really all i need to face tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that................

i desire a strong faith

Jesus appears to mary magdalene
"mary, do not touch ME,
for I have not yet ascended to My Father"Jn.20:17
"then shall you call, and the LORD shall hear:
you shall call and He shall say: Here I am". Is. 58:9

i don't know why, today, while praying a scriptural rosary with my kids, this particular meditation for the Hail Mary in my new book, really struck a chord. very tearfully, my children quite used to my crying while we pray, i thought about how she must've felt when HE stopped her. i can't help but wonder if it had to do with her sinfulness touching HIS glorified body and i thought about my own sinfulness and how this had to be such a test of faith for her. she was probably fed up with men at this point in her life and to reach out to HIM and have HIM turn her away must've been so very hurtful. she was, after all, human. and don't we feel this way when we reach out to someone in love and they turn us away. but yet, HE gave her hope. and HE gives that same hope to you and to me, for HE has ascended to HIS Father and i know that i can certainly call out to HIM and that when i call out to HIM, i am also calling out to the Father, for HE and the Father are ONE. and isn't it something when i hear HIM say, "here I am", because there are so many times that i feel like a lost child, groping around in the dark for the light switch in a very dark, dark world. and then there HE is, the only light i need, shining on what would otherwise be a very weak faith. a faith probably more like thomas, but with HIS grace, i am content with the faith of the magdalene, for hers was a strong faith.

holding on

sometimes i........

wonder why it is that i sit here

and type away

sending moments that are so personal and private

wonderful and perfect

off into cyberspace

to, well, in all honesty, mostly strangers

yet, so far, warm and kind strangers

who reach across the miles

to leave comments and say hello

trying to make a connection with me

a stranger to them also

each of us just trying to find some common thread

in this great big world

that our God has seen fit to place us in

and i guess my only reason for even pondering all

of this is due to the breathing in of copious amounts

of fresh mountain air today

i was so smitten

with all of my blessings even though

my hair was so

messy and staticky

from the blustery wind

but all i cared about was

the whirlwind of

sticky marshmallowy fingers

all around me

a warm fire

with dancing flames

and precious bare feet on

the hearth

the laughing faces of my family,

my children especially

and well,

i guess there is that part of me

that just wants to keep holding on

to all of the goodness

because i know that life is not

always all good

but as a Christian

i feel it is my duty

to share with you the beauty

that abounds in this life of mine

and in yours too

because it is there

and it has nothing to do

with money or status

popularity or talent

just plain goodness

from a GOD who IS

ALL good and ALL loving

and Who i like to think

is holding on to me

and mine

and you and yours...............

yarn snob

i hope i didn't sound like a yarn snob in my last post.
i had an opportunity to try some of that beautiful yarn
for the first time and even though
i am usually a -thrift store-joann's-michael's
kind of girl, it is nice to see what else is out there.
i've found that it is kind of like using fine china instead of everyday corel,
getting a pedicure as opposed to doing your toes at home,
or buying roses from the florist instead of picking them from your garden.
the simpler things are fine, but every once in a while, it is nice to splurge if you can!

the sorrowful mother

well, here she is, my patron saint for 2009.

i didn't choose her, she chose me.

as my children get older, sassier and harder to deal with,

i have a feeling that she is the only one who could possibly understand

and the only one, besides her SON, who could be of any help to me.

many of the problems here are ones that i have created,

others are inevitable,

after all, original sin is like a disease.

however, with God's grace

and a little help from her, i am sure

that together, we can restore some order around here.

ongoing conversion

i liked this list for setting some goals for the new year. i don't ever make resolutions, however, i am always trying to improve my life by setting small goals, usually on a daily or weekly basis. maybe in the future i'll post some things i am trying to do from said list.

this morning i read a Litany of Ongoing Conversion and i was extremely affected by what i read. i think that i could focus on some of the points below, for my own ongoing conversion, in this new year.

"Only those, who continue in their conversion truly know God" (Abbot Andre Louf)

" Conversion involves the transformation of all our fragmented experiences, all our disjointed and painful memories, all our divisive and frustrating moments of unachieved hopes, yearnings, and dreams, as well as our failures and loss of self-esteem or sense of worth resulting from the destructive power of evil (M. Gaudoin-Parker)

so, with the response being: Lord, give me the grace of conversion,

i pray:
when i would rather brood over what annoys me than turn myself over to YOU, who always invite me to come to YOU..............

when i obsess over self-absorption, complacency, and self-assertiveness.............

when i get dejected about my sin, not because it offends YOU, but because it prevents me from being able to take delight in myself.............

whenever i live in a dualistic way, as if my faith and my "real life" are two separate things...........

when i am deceived into thinking that my happiness depends on something in the future instead of what YOU give me in the present moment.............

when discouragement and shame make it hard for me to be faithful...........

when self-doubt and fear have the last say.............

when impenetrability takes over my life, making me resistant to YOUR beauty and all the little ways YOU ordain to give YOURSELF to me............

when i get distracted by my feelings, my emotions, my passions, my regrets.........

when i get discouraged by chronic or recurring sins in my life..........

WHEN I WOULD ATTEMPT TO EARN YOUR FAVOR BY MY ACHIEVEMENTS, FORGETTING THAT I DID NOT CHOOSE YOU, BUT IT IS YOU WHO CHOSE ME.............

when the oppressive nihilism of life makes me ignore or reduce the desires of my heart that lead me to YOU.............

whenever i treat my preconceptions like idols that drain my life of wonder and simplicity.......

WHEN THE EVIDENCE OF ALL THAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE LEADS ME TO BECOME PARALYZED, INDIFFERENT OR LAX.............

when i would rather live my life in a safe or sheltered way instead of living my life as a risk, putting YOUR will first in all things...............

when the daily inner rebellion makes me cynical and negative about what really matters most..........

when my misgivings keep me from receiving the fresh embrace of love YOU offer me at every moment...............

*****

it is so easy to get lost under the weight of all the things there are to do in this life. i literally have volumes of planners where lists are stored of projects, goals, lesson plans, etc. and sometimes it can be depressing to go back and look at all of the things i didn't do, however, thanks be to GOD, i have realized that i can only do so much. there are only 24 hours in each day and no matter how much coffee i drink, i cannot stay awake for all 24, accomplish all of those things and still be a nice person. most of my plans don't even pertain to the salvation of my soul, or the souls of my husband and children, which, in the end is really all that matters. so the ONLY real goal i have for this year is to strive to obtain some kind of balance in my life. i need to go back to my rule and see what needs to be adjusted as it has been a while since i wrote it, come up with a new schedule and start from there.

but right now all of the muddy, wet laundry is piling up again from another snow day and there is an explosion of dirty dishes from a double batch of brownies. perhaps just for today my conversion can be found somewhere in those piles.

superwoman syndrome

yesterday afternoon, as i was napping on the couch after a loooooooooong Sunday, a long week actually, i heard the rustling of plastic bags and i leaped off the couch because i knew what he was doing. he was bagging clothes to take to the laundromat and there was no way i could let him do that, that is MY JOB after all, isn't it? I am the one in charge of those things.....usually that it is.

up until very recently my husband has had a very physically demanding job. he was/is a concrete contractor/construction foreman, used to very hard work, often coming home tired, dirty and in no position to do any domestic duties. but now he is in an office all day, learning how to play the stock market, which if you knew my husband, you would smile a little bit because he is such a tough guy.

in these uncertain times, i am thankful he has a job at all, but i must admit i was a bit concerned how this change would affect him, and us. he is coming home earlier, he is not sooo tired. he has more energy when he comes home.

there has been a bit of tension around here lately as we adjust to a new schedule and try to find a routine that works for both of us.

one of the things he is expecting of me is that i work out with him. i have mentioned before that i am not very enthusiastic about physical activities. i'd rather snuggle up on the couch with a few good storybooks or some hand-sewing, but all he is asking of me this week is 10 minutes on the exercise bike.........which is 3.5 miles. wow, was i tired last night! i think this is his way of curing me of my night-owl ways, which are so irritating to him. we have such different body clocks and it is hard to force myself to do things which are so contrary to my nature (even though the things i prefer to do are not very good for me).

so over the next few weeks i will get over myself and stop thinking that i need to be the one who has to do everything. that superwoman syndrome can be so dangerous; it is very contrary to the spirit of humility and i know that it has to go. i will let him bag the clothes-after i sort them=), of course, and today, we will go again, to the laundromat, which is our new hangout, after we've worked out and maybe he'll tell me again, "isn't this kind of nice?" like he did last night, as he put his head on my shoulder while we sat side-by-side- waiting for the clothes to finish washing, he was watching the news and i was doing a little hand sewing......i never thought moments like that could strengthen a marriage, but it seemed to.

i have known my husband since i was 13 years old, which is more than half of my life. we have been through many, many things together. surely we can get through this, right?

ps. today the part will get ordered for the washer.

inside out braids

this little girl is very dear to me.

her mama was my cousin, my friend.

and every time i look at her face i am reminded of her mother

and how her life was cut short almost two years

ago when she was brutally murdered.

yet another very senseless tragedy,

her death was, for our family,

for these children she left behind.....

there are many shattered,

tattered pieces of broken hearts

left behind.....

and with wounded spirits,

little by little we struggle,

sometimes alone and on this day, together,

to pick up those pieces, trying to make ourselves well again.

trying to make sense out of death and life,

things which we have no power over, yet we still concern ourselves nevertheless.

so the only thing i could come up with is this:

make the effort to fill your days with little acts of great kindness and love.

we cannot control much, but we can control this aspect of ourselves, our lives.

being a mother is hard, there are always so many things to be done,

but we must always pause and take time for the little things.

i can't help but think that when we are gone,

those are the things that will have mattered most.

the day that i was asked by my auntie,

to come and do hair for a very special day,

for a very first piano recital,

i gladly made two inside out braids in the hopes that somehow

that small act would make the day better for both of them and maybe even for me too.

i went home, with my own little daughter in tow, a box full of ribbons on her lap and i thought about how often she is with me, not aloof like the boys kind of are,

always busy with bicycles, rocks and sticks.

and i thought about how this is my legacy to her.

it is the same one that my mother gave to me.

it is a legacy of love and goodness.

the legacy of a Christian life, making good out of evil.

spending the time we are given on this earth doing the will of God,

despite the circumstances which quite often befall us.

some things are consequences of our own choices, others,

simply because they are the will of God.

i once read somewhere that our lives are like the piecing of a quilt.

we sew with what we are given, we don't always have control over

what kind of material we are given.

sometimes the material is less than favorable,

but in the end we can still make something beautiful for God.

so during all of my oh-so-busy days

i will try to remind myself that all of our moments are timeless.

they go with us into to eternity:

every thought, word and deed.

i will try to remind myself that life and each day that we are given is a gift.

the SON is always shining somewhere

and i am so thankful that He came to earth

to share HIS light and

to share with me, with us, HIS legacy of love,

without which,

this life, this world, would be devoid of anything beautiful and good.

and i am thankful that HE has shown me there is

beauty in something as simple as a pair of

inside out braids......

mary did know

after reading this i have respectfully removed the song mary did you know from my playlist.
i apologize because i, too, should have known better. i was just overly emotional the other day when i heard it and the words about her kissing the face of God and HIM being the Great I AM, made my cry profusely and so i succumbed to the temptation to sort of like that song. the only funny part about this whole thing is that i had the hardest time finding that song sung (grammar?) in a manner that i found pleasing...hmmmm....maybe that should've been a clue!

Mary, Queen of Heaven.....please pray for me.

contentment

i got to work on the little boy hat yesterday since we visited so many cozy places where i could just sit and crochet. at the end of the day i was so tired, but i had to finish it. i can't believe i actually let the kids take such terrible pictures of me........ugghhhh how the years and pounds show on film in a way that the deceptive bathroom mirror seems content to hide from my eyes. but then after a few moments like this

and a good game of checkers

it is easy to forget about all that nonsense and find contentment in the things that ARE instead of the things that just aren't and never will be anymore.

blurs and stills

do you ever feel like the simply beautiful moments in your life

sometimes happen so fast that you couldn't even catch them if you tried?

yesterday held many beautiful moments for me.

here are a few things that wouldn't stand still ..............

and here are a few things that did.............

Guadalupe

In our house, Guadalupe (as my littlest son calls her) is BIG. And I mean it. We have a statue the size of a four-year-old child in our hallway, right next to our holy table of Guadalupe. And since our recent break-in we have had some issues with the little ones being scared at night, wanting to sleep in our room, bed, etc. but we are a musical beds sort of family anyway and so this doesn't bother us, however, the other night littlest son said, "don't be scared of the stealers mama (not the football team, but the people who broke into our house) because Guadalupe has spikes and she'll protect us."

And so it is with Guadalupe, she seems to always be there, watching and waiting.

I know that when I was a little bit worried about the bedroom placement in this house, my husband said the same thing to me, Guadalupe is there, she will watch over us.

And then I recall when my grandfather was dying, he was confined to a hospital bed in his bedroom and when I'd go and visit him we'd talk about the good old days and he'd tell me about the processions they'd had at the church up the street from where they lived for her feast and how much he'd enjoyed them, which prompted me to consult her for a very important mission. at this point he and my grandmother had been away from the church for 20+ years and I had a nagging feeling that I needed to do something for this man who I loved so dearly. A man who was so close to dying and desperately needed the sacraments. So what did I do? I went to her. I went to my heavenly mother and I entrusted my plan into her hands and ultimately she worked her wonders through the power given her by Our Lord Jesus Christ.

My grandmother belonged to a church which just so happened to have a pastor-in-transition issue during the very last weeks of my grandfather's life, there were vacations to be had and office issues to be dealt with, so I took it upon myself to call the very same Catholic Church they used to attend years ago and the little aged priest, Fr. Fitzwilliam, God rest his soul, was available to come and "visit" with my grandfather. Well, after a few visits, he had a last confession and HOLY VIATICUM for his journey. I believe he received Holy Communion at least twice before he died and all to the dismay of all of the fallen away members of my family (my parents and myself excluded).

So my conclusion to this little story is this: don't ever underestimate a mother's love, because at the end of a very long life, my grandfather, who died on his 91st birthday, did so with the grace and dignity of a child of God. The mother who promised Juan Diego, "do not be afraid, I am here, I am your mother" was faithful to me in the very same way. For this very simple request I made of her, if you look at it in human terms, seemed impossible: he had been away from the Church too long, the family was furious about my interference, my grandmother would never allow it and so on and so forth, but as we all know, with GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

And besides, I don't mind having a little faith in someone clothed with the sun, because she must be really important in God's eyes.

After all, He trusted her with HIS Son!