this morning i read a Litany of Ongoing Conversion and i was extremely affected by what i read. i think that i could focus on some of the points below, for my own ongoing conversion, in this new year.
"Only those, who continue in their conversion truly know God" (Abbot Andre Louf)
" Conversion involves the transformation of all our fragmented experiences, all our disjointed and painful memories, all our divisive and frustrating moments of unachieved hopes, yearnings, and dreams, as well as our failures and loss of self-esteem or sense of worth resulting from the destructive power of evil (M. Gaudoin-Parker)
so, with the response being: Lord, give me the grace of conversion,
i pray:
when i would rather brood over what annoys me than turn myself over to YOU, who always invite me to come to YOU..............
when i obsess over self-absorption, complacency, and self-assertiveness.............
when i get dejected about my sin, not because it offends YOU, but because it prevents me from being able to take delight in myself.............
whenever i live in a dualistic way, as if my faith and my "real life" are two separate things...........
when i am deceived into thinking that my happiness depends on something in the future instead of what YOU give me in the present moment.............
when discouragement and shame make it hard for me to be faithful...........
when self-doubt and fear have the last say.............
when impenetrability takes over my life, making me resistant to YOUR beauty and all the little ways YOU ordain to give YOURSELF to me............
when i get distracted by my feelings, my emotions, my passions, my regrets.........
when i get discouraged by chronic or recurring sins in my life..........
WHEN I WOULD ATTEMPT TO EARN YOUR FAVOR BY MY ACHIEVEMENTS, FORGETTING THAT I DID NOT CHOOSE YOU, BUT IT IS YOU WHO CHOSE ME.............
when the oppressive nihilism of life makes me ignore or reduce the desires of my heart that lead me to YOU.............
whenever i treat my preconceptions like idols that drain my life of wonder and simplicity.......
WHEN THE EVIDENCE OF ALL THAT IS WRONG WITH MY LIFE LEADS ME TO BECOME PARALYZED, INDIFFERENT OR LAX.............
when i would rather live my life in a safe or sheltered way instead of living my life as a risk, putting YOUR will first in all things...............
when the daily inner rebellion makes me cynical and negative about what really matters most..........
when my misgivings keep me from receiving the fresh embrace of love YOU offer me at every moment...............
*****
it is so easy to get lost under the weight of all the things there are to do in this life. i literally have volumes of planners where lists are stored of projects, goals, lesson plans, etc. and sometimes it can be depressing to go back and look at all of the things i didn't do, however, thanks be to GOD, i have realized that i can only do so much. there are only 24 hours in each day and no matter how much coffee i drink, i cannot stay awake for all 24, accomplish all of those things and still be a nice person. most of my plans don't even pertain to the salvation of my soul, or the souls of my husband and children, which, in the end is really all that matters. so the ONLY real goal i have for this year is to strive to obtain some kind of balance in my life. i need to go back to my rule and see what needs to be adjusted as it has been a while since i wrote it, come up with a new schedule and start from there.but right now all of the muddy, wet laundry is piling up again from another snow day and there is an explosion of dirty dishes from a double batch of brownies. perhaps just for today my conversion can be found somewhere in those piles.
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