baby red

"i want you to call me baby red", he tells me while we are reading a story about animal babies, snuggled on the couch, sharing quesadillas. "you could say baby blue, baby orange or lots of things, but i like baby red or max." ok. baby red it shall be. gosh, i love. this. kid.

a real mother

she turned seven last saturday. two years ago, her fifth birthday, was the last time i saw her mother. it was not pleasant as we had some words. i don't really regret what i said because when i look at the frilly, pink lovliness of this little girl, i only had her best interest at heart.

"set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." -ps. 141:3

i said it because i knew to what dangerous places her addiction was taking her and that there was the possibility that things could end this way.

an exercise for school the other day asked that the kids consider how they got their names and because my aunt was not really sure, she didn't know what to tell her to write. then with an exasperated air, e told her that it didn't matter because she doesn't have a real mother. i know how this must've hurt because my aunt is trying to fill an un-fillable void. the void that the real mother leaves when she is gone.

i only know what i know about this bond because my own mother and i are still so connected that my father jokes that they never cut the umbilical cord completely when i was born and with my daughter it is the same. of course we have to stick together in this testosterhome. but today my thoughts were that in this situation someone has taken the place of the real mother. not because she wanted to, for in this mess she lost a daughter. but she had to. and i think this generation will be seeing more and more grandparents raising their grandchildren. so my prayer today is for all mothers. real and otherwise. because we all know that what makes a mother real in the lives of her children is not always for us to tell, but perhaps in a few years time, at least in this case, time will tell who the real mother is.

bigger. better. new. improved.

that was what i was hoping for anyway. but not yet. He is not done with me yet and while some things have gone very well for me this lent, i feel like it has gone by so fast. there has been a lot of praying and works, but not enough contemplation. some of it is my fault, other things are just inevitable, but i am going to keep trying. hopefully seeing everything shrouded in purple this week will remind me to pause and reflect, as often as i can, on the great, great suffering which was the price of my redemption. and with that, maybe i can get the last one down by Good Friday-improved. yes, i'd like to see that written next to my name. or at least improving.....

little white lies

i hate doing it. my conscience is nagging at me, but i didn't know what else to do. the new little puppy darted out into the road, she was following the big boys to the place where they "jump" their bikes and it happened-she was hit by a car. i just wanted to shield the two little ones from the pain of losing another animal. it seems we have terrible luck with pets. and i gulp each time i perpetuate this little white lie. wait till monday. let's see what the vet says. i am not sure they put her to sleep. it's not a good idea, i know, but we all do it, don't we? i like to tell myself that somehow it will make them feel better while i alone bear the brunt of knowing that she is gone and it won't be better on monday. i am going to have to come clean at some point. heaven help me when i do. for there really is no escaping from those nasty little white lies.

fickle

feeling like such a fickle blogger and person i am trying to decide whether i should still use this space or not. i really enjoy blogs that "go deeper", but i also like the really light-hearted ones about sewing, photography, cooking and homeschooling and thoughts and feelings, places where the faith is contemplated and discussed......so the question is, how does one find the balance? is it silly to have more than one blog? how do you squeeze a whole person, much less a whole family into one blog. thoughts? suggestions?

never before seen "footage" of a rare species

these jammies were from last winter and they became a favorite.

he pretends that he is a rare green-striped tiger when he wears them.

i have tried to retire them, but they seem to get "discovered" every time.

don't think that i haven't fixed those holes,

but this tigers' toes are too long and the stitches just won't hold.

besides, have you ever seen the things that rare green-striped tigers do?

they hunt, run and jump in the most ferocious and extreme ways.

i guess for now i'll just enjoy this rare species until it becomes extinct.

the scrap bag exchange

if you are interested, come see me here.

saying good-bye

to blogger that is.
and hello to wordpress.
i am happy with the move.
it kinda feels like spring cleaning.
my new place is fresh, clean,
uncluttered.
i don't know how long it
will stay that way.
but follow me there if
you'd like.
you can join me in the newest
chapter of my blogging journey.

home is where the hearts are

happy st. valentine's day

whiskers on kittens

these are a few of my favorite things.............

little boys with curly hair and long eyelashes

bringing plants-lilies from our old house, violets and irises-

from nana's yard to start the generational garden

gardening with my very own root children

discovering charlottes' web

spotting two new nests in the yard

reading this story tonight and finding out

that these root children were painting lady bugs too!

thank you sarah sunshine for making us think happy thoughts today.

and since shelly came out of her funk i can go to bed even happier!

it's 11:18 and all is well.

goodnite.

when something terrible happens

sorry i've been such a wet blanket these past few days.
i read that
"February arrives cold, wet and gray, her gifts disguised
for only the most discerning spirits to see..."
so i guess that means i have not been "discerning" enough
to find her gifts.
but i thank God for the gift of HIS grace
and for the gift of children.
LITERALLY.
because i cannot imagine my life without either of them.
and without their help, one might never find
the gifts which are in every day!
yesterday as i was mulling over all the things i had written,
wishing perhaps i hadn't said so much, but i felt so
grateful for all of the generous hearts who took the time
out of their busy days to respond.
and though i didn't answer any of the comments
i went over each one carefully and i came to the conclusion
that you are all so great!!

death is such a hard thing to talk about for adults, but especially with children.
when my two cousins were murdered, it was not at all like dealing with natural death.
it was so hard to even find the right words to tell them what had happened, much
less talk about it in the days, weeks and months that followed.
murder has a way of striking fear into the hearts of even the most trusting and faithful person.
probably one of the most difficult things, aside from losing people that we dearly loved,
was that the girls were killed 7 months apart and so there was still such an open,
gaping wound in our hearts, which for me, as an adult to try and comprehend was difficult enough.
but the children, had been so sheltered.
i had kept them away from the world all these years yet there it was right on my doorstep, demanding to be let in, bringing all its' ugliness with it.
i know not everything in the world is bad, but tragedy has a way of making it seem so.
tragedy tries to steal from us that sweet, gentle peace, which, as Christians, should always be present in our lives, no matter what.
at times, wallowing in my own grief, i was blinded to my childrens' needs and the day it hit me the hardest was while unpacking my daughters' things to put in her new room-we moved here over the summer of '08-when i came across a small hello kitty notepad.
and knowing that she uses these for her diary-being only 9 she has not yet discovered how to "lock" away her deepest, darkest thoughts as girls so often do-i opened it.
and as i flipped through the notepad much to my surprise she had pages upon pages of names of all the people in our family who had died and little drawings surrounding each name representing things she knew from me which each person liked to do or memories she had shared with them at a particular time during their earthly life. this little girl had already seen so much death in her short life and i didn't even realize how it was affecting her.
i am her mother, her teacher, yet i had missed all this?
how could i have been so neglectful.
it seemed so easy to shush her all those times she cried and force her along the path to healing.
when i wasn't even healed.
tears don't come easy for me, so why should they for her either.
how wrong i was.
in retrospect i realize how vital it is for children to realize that those whom we have loved and lost in this life have not been annihilated.
they still live on in eternity and they need our prayers and sacrifices,
for their purification and sometimes even ours.
this is not a professional opinion by any means.
these are just the thoughts of a mother who has hurt and who has seen her children and her family hurting.
my heart will always ache for my aunt, especially, who lost all 3 of her children.
all of them tragically taken from her.
her mother's heart forever broken as she struggles to sift through those broken pieces, to lift herself up out of the wreckage of her life and raise her two grandchildren.
how could anyone ever comprehend that?
i certainly don't have all of the answers.
yet the question remains, how do we, as loving parents, teach not only ourselves, but our children to cope with death?
it is simple: we don't.
Mother Angelica writes:" We don't have the power over life and death, but we do have the power to choose good instead of evil and to do the will of God."
the Holy Scriptures remind us that "it is a good and holy thing to pray for the dead" so that they may be loosed from their sins.
and so what have i learned from all of this?
well, i am more careful now.
i don't just shush the tears away.
i am careful to watch, not only for more notes, but for signs that something is wrong.
but most importantly i will try my hardest to teach her and the boys that there is power in our suffering here on this earth.
power made perfect in the sufferings of Jesus Christ.
and that we are made strong in HIM.
and that our life goal is to find HIS will in all things.
and together we can send fear on his way
even when something terrible happens......................

good grief

i am kind of in a funk right now with regards to blogging.

i feel like i am at a stand-still.

like i don't know where i want this to go or if i even want it to keep going.

i know the blog world will continue to run its' course without me.

i think the rain makes me feel this way.

cold, distant, thoughtful.

and then i read such encouraging, hopeful things and i am reminded that the internet is a tool, just like any other tool and as long as it is used wisely, there shouldn't be a problem.

i mean, i wouldn't sit in front of the bread maker or my alarm clock and stare at it all day, mindlessly clicking the hours away while the laundry piles up and the kids forage thru the fridge for their own food, now would i?

i guess the hardest thing is delegation of time.

there is always so much to be done.

things like making monkey bread and reading story after story.

but then again i need to write, it is so healing for me.

it is natural, kind of like breathing.

i know i am not a very good writer, by writing standards, i am much better at breathing.

but then again writing is only one of the many hats i wear,

i am not being paid to write and luckily i have a day job.

i don't want this to be a whiny post, wherein i complain about all of the injustices in my small life, because when i sit here and think about what is right, there is so, so much that is right.

however, there are things i want to say.

even if just to get them off my chest,

sending them into cyber space so that they'll bother me no more.

the sadness of this recent tragedy, is probably what really got me thinking again.

you know how those serious thoughts come and go, the ones about life and death.

and i realize that these are the things that have been weighing me down and making me blue.

so if you don't mind crawling inside my head, here i go again:

"stay awake and be ready! for you do not know on what day your Lord will come.

alleluia, alleluia.

in all truth I tell you whoever keeps my word will never see death."

-----------

FEAR

-----------

"our lot in this life is to live always in fear. perfect assurance is possible to no one.

God wishes us to glorify Him by a self-abandonment full of faith and love. it is the tribute of which HE is most jealous."

--------------------------

i found these things in one of my journals, i am not sure how old they are.

they are probably from about 3 years or so ago.

they are not my words, of course, but they went along with what i was

feeling at the time and so i wrote them down.

i guess loss has a way of coloring our worldview many different colors.

sometimes grey and even black.

and sometimes it even manifests itself in things like me screaming, "the kids can't eat red dye #4o because don't you know that it causes cancer in laboratory rats?" and then suddenly i am the bad one. the mom who won't let them eat poisonous popsicles from the ice cream man or hot cheetos. the mom who tries to convince them that Joe's O's taste the same as cheerios and that's that! the mom who is no fun because danger lurks around every corner and in every box......it lurks in your sleep, when you cross the street, in gum and microwaves.......

but i wonder if they will ever understand me.

because my reasons behind my method of thought are painful ones.

and if we are caring people, which most of us are, we cannot help being affected by the pain and sadness of others.

and i am such a person.

and perhaps i feel it even more as i contemplate my own litany of lost lives.

the ones that have made my life a lot emptier than it could have been.

the ones who are missing from thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.

the ones whose absences seem to taint the very food we eat as a cloud of sadness settles over the room, making everything so sorrowful and tragic.

and i, perhaps selfishly, ponder "what could've been.........."

the first time i tried to write this post, i went through each name.

i listed them and the things i remembered most about each one.

but the list was so long that i thought it might not even seem believable

that there are so many.

and then i realized it was too personal and names wouldn't matter to you,

the reader, because you did not know them.

but here i am again.

trying to do this again because they mattered to me and if you'll just bear with me because i am sure that your own life is filled with some, if not many who do matter to you.

however, since i don't want to tell anyone what to do,

instead i will kindly suggest that you try your hardest not to take the ones you love for granted because none of us know when it is time.

and by this, i mean time to go.

the timing wherein we each come and go into and out of this world is shrouded in mystery,

much like the God who decides our plight.

and i can honestly say that it doesn't matter whether death is sudden and unprovided or a slow and prolonged process.

it is never easy to say good-bye.

how can we ever be ready to say good-bye to someone we have loved.

someone who had laughing eyes and a dancing smile.

to someone who had the softest shoulder to lay your head on

or wrote you the sweetest, encouraging letters.

or worse yet, someone tiny and helpless --someone-- who never even had a chance at life.

no, saying good-bye is never easy.

but i must say that the only thing that even slightly eases the pain of losing a loved one is knowing that they were living a life pleasing to God.

because whether or not we believe,

"no man can cheat death",

and one day, each of us will stand before Him

and render an account of our lives, the lives we were given.

and there is NOTHING worse,

than to hear the words, "go away from Me, I never knew you........."

just imagining that those are the words that will echo in your ears for all of eternity

sends chills down my spine.

so while grief can be good, it is not healthy to dwell on these things for too long.

i firmly believe darkness is a tool that helps us to see the LIGHT when we might otherwise not notice.

kind of like the way that one who has always grown a garden might not check EVERY SINGLE DAY to see if seedling have sprouted.

sometimes the most obvious things are the hardest to see.

but it is so lovely to see THE LIGHT shining on a dark faith,

in a dark world.

illuminating the truth and making what was hidden, seen.

so pray always.

pray to God, His Son, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

enlist the help of the Blessed Mother, your angel guardian and all the saints.

"But because many make it more their study to know than to live well, therefore are they often deceived, and bring forth none, or very little fruit....Verily, when the day of judgement comes, we shall not be asked what we have read, but what we have done; nor how learnedly we have spoken, but how religiously we have lived." ~thomas a kempis, my imitation of CHRIST

ps. i actually have some really cheerful things to share if i can get around to posting them and please forgive the quirky format of these posts lately. blogger seems to do whatever it wants, regardless of what i want and so i am contemplating moving to wordpress or typepad.

i mean it.

for today

outside my window..........it's raining, it's pouring and clouds, wind and MUD abound.

i am thinking..............about whether i should wake the kids up or not. it is 7:45 a.m.

i am thankful for................heat, warm blankets and my cup of brewing tea-green tea with yerba mate, milk and honey.

from the schoolroom..............math, dictation, spelling and reading aloud The Trumpet of the Swan. the middle kids have photography and art class this afternoon.

in the kitchen...............hot chocolate, toast and scrambled eggs for breakfast.

i am wearing...........leopard pj pants and a black long-sleeved shirt.

i am creating............something for a little peach, a few things for valentine's day, lacy linen napkins.

i am going..............to clean my room and do some sewing this afternoon.

i am reading..............simple abundance and the imitation of Christ.

i am hoping...............my slight headache goes away, it feels kind of like a sinus headache.

i am hearing................raindrops, the hum of the heater, goats bleating(?) (from the neighbors' yard), birds playing in the rain, the click of the keyboard and a little boy snoring in my bed.

around the house..........the laundry is under control, the front room is tidy (we picked it up last night before bed), the schoolroom needs a little bit of work and there are a few dishes, but not too many.

one of my favorite things.............kids who entertain themselves despite the rainy, gloomy weather.

a few plans for the rest of the week............make and send valentines, deep clean the boy's room, trip to the snow, make chocolate dipped marshmallows, plant a few more irises, lilies and some daisies, go see inkheart.

here are two picture thoughts i am sharing.............

owl always love you

don't forget to visit here for more daybook fun.

first born

two friends have tagged me for this on facebook.

and since today is his day anyway, i thought i'd go ahead and do it.

hard to believe 15 years ago , on a rainy monday,

that my first born came into this world at 10:14 am.

i can still recall it as if it were yesterday..........

Was your first pregnancy planned? NO.

Were you married at the time? no.

What was your reaction? scared, but in awe.

Was abortion an option for you? NEVER.

How old were you? 17.

How did you find out you were pregnant? missed period(s).

Who did you tell first? friends, boyfriend-who is now my husband.

Did you want to find out the sex? YES.

When was your due date? January 31, 1994.

Did you have morning sickness? a little bit.

What did you crave? salsa, mashed potatoes with cranberry sauce

and marie calenders pie (cherry) with vanilla icecream.

Who/What irritated you the most? hardly anything because i slept all the time, but the sound of chewing really got to me.

What was your first child's sex? male.

Did you wish you had the opposite sex of what you were getting? no. i wanted a big brother to lead the tribe of children i'd have.

How many pounds did you gain during the pregnancy? way TOO many, didn't you see my list of cravings??

Did you have a baby shower? yes, three.

Was it a surprise or did you know? i knew.

Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? no.

Where did you give birth? sharp murrieta.

How many hours were you in labor? 5.

Who drove you to the hospital? my mama.

Who watched you give birth? both of my parents, he was "our" baby, as i was still their baby.

Was it natural or c-section? i have had all of my kids natural. no c-sections or episiotomies.

Did you take medicine to ease the pain? no. i have never used medication during birth,

it would be distracting to me.

How much did your child weigh? 7lbs. 8 oz.

When was your child actually born? February 7, 1994.

What did you name him/her? i named him Christian.

How old is your first born today? today he turns 15.

happy birthday, son.

so off i go to make him a white-texas sheet cake-

it is his FAVORITE cake in the whole wide world.

it probably has more calories than all the cakes in the whole wide world too.

i chose this LIFE............

and i don't ever want to imagine what kind of life i would've had without him.

sprouting wings

today was monumental for me as a homeschooling mother.
one of my students sprouted his wings as a writer.
you may have a student like this, he is the reluctant one,
the one who reads later than the rest.
he takes longer to learn
his multiplication tables and he pretty much despises any
kind of structured learning.
he is the middle child.
not the oldest, not the baby and not the only girl.
it has always been hard for him to find his place.
not just with regards to school, but in life.
he is the stubborn one.
the one who makes my blood pressure
rise every time we have some sort of confrontation about
not putting forth his best effort or paying attention.
he is the one that made me doubt whether or not i should
even be homeschooling at all.
he is the reason i searched feverishly for different ideas about teaching.
it is because of him that i found out that not all children are auditory learners,
which you'd think i'd know, because i am not one either.
yet he is the one with the neatest handwriting.
he is the first one to put his boots on and lead me outdoors.
he is the one with an artistic eye and a gentle heart,
he can quite often be seen following the shadow of another
small boy, his little brother.
he has his ears tuned to the birds that frequent our yard
and constantly comes inside with descriptive narratives
of things he has seen as he peruses the property,
pellet gun in hand and camera in his pocket.
the assignment was simple enough:
write me a paragraph about our day at nannie and papa's yesterday.
make it in chronological order, starting with breakfast,
which were yummy "mamacakes".
pay attention to punctuation and spelling and i will help you
with paragraph structure later.
he is in the sixth grade, this should be no problem you say.
well, not for my boy.
this is usually a most painful process,
ending with discouragement on his end
and disappointment on mine.
disappointment in myself because maybe i have
not been the best teacher.
maybe he needed special ed.
maybe i wasn't patient enough.
but in the end it was because
he just wasn't ready,
he hadn't sprouted those wings.
but today he did
and it happened so much like all of the rest of his
"learning", very out of the blue, quite naturally
almost as if he'd always written this way.
beautifully constructed sentences, colorful adjectives,
very well written feelings and emotions about what
he did, what he saw, tasted, touched and felt.
and all i can say is
i am one PROUD mama bird!

the ducklings have arrived

and they've brought chicks with them.

my kids have taken this project much farther then i ever thought they would.

i'll upload all of their birds on flickr when i get a chance, but i am so impressed

with the bluebirds, woodpeckers, cygnets, crows, hummingbirds

and yes, even a flamingo with sunglasses on, that have all come out of

their imaginations, with just a little felt, some pom-poms and glue.

this duckling and chick don't have eyes, but beads and glitter glue

work just fine in case you'd like yours to be able to see.

and if you love usborne books, like we do, the usborne books for beginners

are great. they have links here where you can look up the book you

are reading and play, read or watch online activities pertaining to the book.

you can watch a baby chick hatching here and this website has some

great pictures of baby birds.

simple abundance

i am loving my new book-which i got the other day at a thrift store for $1.00.
the back cover reads:
"in the past a woman's spirituality has been separated from her lifestyle.
SIMPLE ABUNDANCE shows you how your daily life
can be an expression of your authentic self...
as you choose the tastiest vegetables from your garden,
search for treasures at flea markets,
establish sacred space in your home for meditation,
and follow the rhythm of the seasons of the year."
does this sound like a good read or what?
well, we are off to the mountains to do some school.
hoping to enjoy some simple abundance.
a visit to nannie and papa's mountain home
always does each of us some good.
the little ones will be bird watching and doing watercolors,
me~i want to finish my
sunflower handwarmers
and my husband is taking the big boys on a hike.
they found a bedding area of a
deer family on their last hike.
they saw a mama, her baby doe
and a buck, all tucked in for the night
imagine that!
my prayer for you today is
that you'll find some simple abundance
in your little corner of the world too.
'bye.

the great outdoors

i can remember being a child

and sitting in a classroom,

the doors were open to let

some fresh air into an overwhelmingly

stale and stuffy room and my mind would drift.

it drifted so far into the p.e. field

that my concentration level was

practically zero.

all i thought about during those times

were the little flowers with heart shaped

petals that, when tied together, made the prettiest

bracelets.

they wilted quickly, usually by the time

recess was over, they were dead.

fast forward 20 years

and i am so pleased that often times

this

is our classroom.

the GREAT OUTDOORS.

and if anything wilts, well,

it doesn't matter,

because there is no rush.

we can just pick more!

they amaze me

by how astute they've

become

watching and listening

for different bird calls,

and then there is

the joy on a certain face

when he

takes notice for the first time

of the velvety stuff

growing on the rocks.

a discussion is sparked

about direction and moss

and how it looks like a little kingdom.

they bombard me with

"look at this mama

and this...",

and i am filled with such

joy because, much like them

i am constantly amazed

at the beauty and wonder

that has gone into

designing the great outdoors

and best of all

sharing with them

just WHO is in charge of it all

and the small talk which ensues

as we ponder over whether or not

what GOD has is like

having "the force".

shedding some light

O my Lord, how You are the true friend; and how powerful!
Oh, who will cry out for YOU, to tell everyone how faithful
YOU are to Your friends!
All things fail; You, Lord of all, never fail!
It seems, Lord, You try with rigor the person who loves You
so that in extreme trial she might understand the greatest extreme of Your love.
All fails me, my Lord; but if You do not abandon me, I will not fail You.
Let all learned men rise up against me, let all created things persecute me,
let the devils torment me; do not You fail me, Lord, for I already have
experience of the gain that comes
from the way You rescue the one who trusts in you alone.
~St. Teresa of Avila

making way for ducklings

and swans too.




i stumbled upon this site the other day while looking for some activities to do while we read these two books.
there is also a link way at the bottom of the page that seems like it could be useful.
as you can see one is for my pre-schooler and the other is for my middle kids.
but both of them seem to be appealing to all of my students.
i know the "content" standards are for california, but if you are not in a charter, those things won't matter anyway.
just thought i'd share the info.
it is kind of nice to stumble upon free lessons that have already been planned and use them to your advantage.
and it makes less work for mama, which means i can plan crafts and activities instead!
so off i go to make way for some pom-pom ducklings......